Message for April...
“The Gift Within Grief” April 12, 2007
“Grief, like life, is a journey to be traveled.”
I became a student of grief many years ago, particularly after the tragic deaths of my brother in 1982 and my mother in 1985. What I realized right away was how absolutely unprepared my family and I were to deal with those powerful feelings of grief. Like most people in the western world, we were never taught what to do when our hearts become broken. It is a multi-generational phenomenon that misinformation about how to deal with sad or painful emotions is passed down from one set of parents to their children, to the next and so forth.
Everyone was uncomfortable around us as we grieved, just as I had always been uncomfortable around others who were dealing with loss. It seemed that we were all expected to act like we were OK and keep our painful feelings to ourselves. How wrong is that??
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.”
In 1995, my youngest son, Craig, was diagnosed with leukemia. Following 8 days of intensive chemotherapy at Children’s Hospital, Craig developed a blood infection which his body could not fight. He died just 20 days after his diagnosis had been made.
Craig’s death completely shattered my world. I tried to work with the misinformation that I had learned about dealing with grief like: “grieve alone, keep busy, be strong, don’t feel bad and time heals all wounds.” None of these myths about loss worked! I still felt immense pain. Finding that I had an overwhelming need to cry and express my deep pain, I found someone I could trust….a good friend who didn’t make intellectual remarks or judge me, or offer up advice. She would just listen to my heartfelt emotions, allow me to cry and then give me hugs. Because of this release I was able to feel better. I was definitely on to something!
Since Craig’s death, my life has completely changed directions. It has become my constant calling and ministry to help others deal with their losses. One thing has led to another along this journey. First, I was inspired to create a book and CD, “Sundance, the Story of Craig” I then moved on to become a public speaker and presenter, and most recently, a Certified Grief £ Recovery® Specialist and Psychic/Medium.
In this limited space I will do my best to share a few things I have learned.
1. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.
2. Grief is the conflicting mass of human emotions following the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. (There are 43 potential types of loss we can encounter in our lifetimes!)
3. Grief is an emotional process, not intellectual.
4. We humans grieve all of our losses.
5. Grievers just want and NEED to be heard!!!
My best advice to you is to find a safe person to share your pain with, just like I did after Craig died. You must express your feelings, or they will be stored inside you, and your healing may be limited or delayed! A life time of stored emotions can cause big problems for us.
If someone else is grieving, become a big heart with ears. Listen to them without giving an intellectual response. Be a safe place for them. When they are finished talking, simply offer your expression of sympathy and then offer a hug. These simple acts are unbelievably effective and healing! Just engage your humanity and listen with your heart, not your head!
Again, I want to really emphasize that we are all grievers, and grievers just want to be heard.
The song “Sundance” was the first of many gifts I have received within my grief journey. Three days before Craig died he was in a coma, on a respirator.” That day I told him that when he came home, we would compose a song, just for him. Craig had been my piano student for four years and had done a little songwriting himself. Three days after his funeral, I was sitting alone, feeling completely destroyed. I heard a whisper that told me to go to the piano. Now, I was certainly in no shape to compose a song, but I listened and went. What came through was the beginning of a sweet melody….just a few measures. I knew immediately that this was the song for Craig. I also knew that the song would be titled “Sundance” because of the vision I had the day after he died. What I saw was Craig in a beautiful, lush meadow of spectacular flowers. He was dancing with the spirits of other children and they were all surrounded by the most intense, heavenly, warm sunlight! It was just so beautiful there! These amazing gifts helped me to survive my terrible loss.
Eventually I finished the song and learned that this is a bridge or transition song. It is a Universal message to all of us that there is life after death. The song leads you through all the transitions….life on earth, dying, and on to the afterlife. The song ends with a message from Craig telling us that he is doing very, very well! You can listen to this song at my website: www.sundanceproject.com, where you can also order the book, “Sundance, the Story of Craig” which contains the CD recording of this powerful song.
I wish all of you peace, wholeness and the deep richness that life has to offer!
-JoAnn Bruhn, R.T.(R)(CT)
President, Grief and Inspiration Facilitator |